I can hear you now

The battery on my cell phone wasn’t holding a charge so last week I went to the Verizon store to get a new one. The clerk checked my account and found I was eligible for a brand new phone. They have this deal where you can get a new phone every two years. All I had to do is sign another 2-year contract and a brand new Razr was mine. I’m happy with their service so I didn’t mind going another 2 years with them.

The phone is excellent. It’s small, flat and loaded with features. Then I brought it home and my excitement quickly started to fade. It turns out Verizon disables many of the cool features that are found on a “regular” Razr. The bluetooth is limited, you can’t download ringtones other than ones you purchase from Verizon and you can’t easliy connect it to your computer. I was extremely disappointed that Verizon decided to handicap an otherwise excellent phone. Of course I found ways around their limitations.

I downloaded a trial copy of Motorola Phone Tools that allows me to connect the phone via USB to my computer to transfer and save contacts. Next I found a hack where you just download any MP3 ringtone, save it as a .MID file and email to your phone. The file is still an MP3 and it sounds great but it bypasses Verizon’s stupid policy of only allowing ringtones that you have to buy from them. I’m working on the bluetooth limits but I don’t really care about that since I rarely use it anyway.

So when you call, my phone will ring with the sound of the phone inside the CTU office on the TV show 24.

Going, Going, Gone

Sorry about not updating in a while. I’ve been very busy. Earlier this year Pam and I talked about selling our house and moving to a new condo. We searched for several months and found a great place near our jobs. The new place won’t be ready until early October so we had plenty of time to sell our house and prepare for the move. All that changed the other day.

We put our house on the market less than 2 weeks ago. The response was overwhelming with people coming in for showings multiple times every day. The home theater, large backyard and sunporch made our house stand out from similar properties in the area. Because of that, we sold it in 10 days. Actually the sale is still pending but everything looks good for a May 31st closing. The buyers need to move in 30 days later so that means Pam and I will be homeless until October. I congratulate the agents who helped with the sale of our house. Their attention to detail, marketing and great business attitude made the process a breeze.

We found a cool apartment to rent in a great location that’s only minutes from my work and takes off a good 45 minutes off of Pam’s travel time. She’s working on a project on the other side of town and it takes an hour and a half each way to commute.

So this deal is working out for all of us. We sold our house quickly (and for the price we wanted), we’re moving to a temporary place for the summer that’s closer to work for both of us and in the fall, we’ll be living it up in our new condo.

Remind me to get your addresses for the “Moving Party” and “Painting Party” we’ll be having later on.

The only problem is the area we are leaving will quickly go downhill. Without Pam and I to liven things up, nobody will want to live there.

Guilty

Last Thursday I got called to serve on jury duty. I arrived at the courthouse thinking I would be sitting around all day and that I wouldn’t get called for a trial. But within 45 minutes of arriving I was in the jury box ready to hear a case. The trial involved a man accused of drunk driving and driving with a suspended license.

Last Thanksgiving this man was driving down the back roads of the county when a young couple on their way to Thanksgiving dinner spotted his erratic driving. The family followed the accused for several miles and witnessed him narrowly missing other cars several times. Then he ran into a ditch and destroyed a mailbox. They followed this guy all the way to his house where the police met up with him moments after he arrived.

When confronted by the police, the drunk driver admitted to having a “few drinks” and crashing into the mailbox. He gave himself away before the cop had a chance to ask him anything. Then he tried to trick the breathalyzer test so he was taken to the hospital for a blood test. They found his alcohol level to be an unbelievable 3 times the legal limit. The man was arrested and spent Thanksgiving night in jail.

At the trial the evidence was overwhelming and we unanimously found him guilty. That is except for one juror. She sympathized with the drunk as she had her licensed suspended for drunk driving. Being the moron she is, the rest of the jurors easily persuaded her to change her vote. All it took was a promise for us to meet at the bar and get drunk that night. Of course none of us showed up but at least we got out of the courthouse right away.

Afterward, the judge told us this was one of the fastest trials he ever had. And he told us we made the right decision. The drunk guy was in front of this judge twice before for the same thing. Three strikes and you’re out.

When I originally got the notice to appear for jury duty, I was pissed. But after going through the experience, I’m glad I was able to participate. Of course its a big inconvenience but I realize now how important the process can be. The judge compared our serving on a trail to the soldiers in Iraq – that we’re doing our duty as Americans. It was an enlightening experience and if I’m chosen to serve again, I’ll have a better understanding of the whole process.

Parent Teacher Conference

Guest entry from Kristen:
So last night I go to the parent/teacher conference for my oldest daughter Myla. Considering Myla is in the second grade, I am not expecting anything too major to transpire. For instance, I am not worried that Myla is smoking cigarettes in the girls bathroom or writing graffiti in the hallway during study hall. What I am concerned about is Myla’s cursive handwriting techniques and next year’s 3rd grade MEAP test.
I take great pride in both of my daughters (Meg is 4) and am confident this conference will be smooth sailing. I was wrong. Now you know when a teacher starts off by saying: “I am not worried with Myla’s academics at all”, there is some negative feedback to come. Okay, so if your not worried about Myla’s academic – WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT??? And after 15 minutes of small talk we digress into Myla’s snotty attitude. WHAT! NOT MY MYLA…She must be crazy. She gave me a couple examples of Myla’s poor attitude and lack of patience. Shedoesnothavealackofpatience…shehasalotofpatience.
Trust me, I am not one of those mothers. I can’t stand those types of mothers, the ones who think their kid can do no wrong and there must be something wrong with the teacher, types of mothers. And trust me, I encounter those crazy women all of the time. So I tell Myla’s teacher, I can relate with her opinion of Myla’s attitude as I too have encountered Myla’s SNOTTINESS. I furthered my response by stating Myla’s Father and I will definitely address this issue and do everything in our power to reverse this negative behavior. We will start with positive reinforcement and encourage baby steps toward change. GOD AM I GOOD…and the teacher thought I was good as well.

I had a long talk with Myla that evening and we both came to the agreement that she needs an attitude adjustment and we are both going to work handling situations more positively.

Farewell

My friend Mike C is moving away to start a new job in Florida. I’ll miss having him around, we had some fun times and he made the job a lot less tedious for me. Thanks for putting up with my nonsense, Mike. I hope you enjoyed our short time together, I certainly enjoyed helping you out as much as I could. And while you didn’t always show it, I know you truly appreciated everything. The office already seems too empty without you around.

I hope we can meet again sometime, I’m only a email or phone call away. Try to keep in touch to let me know how you’re doing. Be on the lookout for some photoshop fun (you should never allow me to take your picture).

Take care and farewell, and don’t be too bougie after you make your fortune.

I see you

After long consideration and with advice from Mike C, I decided to get laser vision correction. I was apprehensive about undergoing a procedure that had the danger of damaging my sight. But now, after the surgery, all my fears were unfounded.

I met with the doctor twice before the procedure. Each time complex tests and measurements were taken with extremely advanced equipment. Later, I checked the doctor’s credentials and discovered what Mike already told me; he is at the top of his field. I also read that over 20% of the surgeries he performs are to correct the mistakes by other so-called LASIK doctors. And it was refreshing to have a doctor that actually sits down with you to review your options and go over the procedure without hurrying you along to get to the next patient.

I picked a good time to have the surgery, they were running a special. For $400 more, they offered X-Ray vision enhancement. I figured it would come in handy in a lot of situations so I went for it. Adding it on was my best choice of the entire experience.

As I layed on the table just before he activated the laser I asked the doctor “Will I be able to play the piano after I’m done?” He said “Why yes, Mike. You certainly can play the piano once your eyes fully heal.” I cheefully replied “That’s excellent, doctor. I was never able to play before.” (I know, bad joke.)

So now I have better vision than I had wearing glasses and it’s amazing. I highly recommend it to anyone considering getting it done. And don’t worry, I’m just kidding about the X-Ray vision thing.

A bargain

To keep my repertoire of stories fresh, I bought this one from Bosco a while back. It was a story I liked so much, I asked if I could make it my own. It was a bargain.

The Lettuce Story
I was working in the produce department of the grocery store stocking the bananas one day. A customer approached me and said “I would like to buy a half a head of lettuce.” I told the man we only sell full heads and that I was sorry I couldn’t help him. He reminded me of the sign we had in the window that advertised “we will bend over backwards to keep the customer happy.” So I told him no problem, took the lettuce and went to the backroom to cut and rewrap it. My manager was back there and I told him “some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” Just as I finished saying that, I realized the customer had followed me to the backroom and heard what I said. Quickly I added, “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half.” The customer left happy.

Later that day, the manager approached me and said “Mike, I really liked the way you handled that customer earlier. It showed me you can think on your feet. We’re looking for a manager to work in our new store in Canada, are you interested?” “Canada!” I yelled. “There’s nothing but whores and hockey players in Canada.” Disturbed, the manager said, “wait a minute, my wife is from Canada.” I replied “Really? What position does she play?”

New Bag

After eight years, I decided to retire the messenger bag I use for work. It was getting old and ratty and I wanted a change. I thought about getting a backpack to schlep my stuff but I thought it may be too casual. I have a nice leather briefcase but that would look too professional for me. Then I remembered the case I got with my laptop computer.

It has a bunch of pockets to keep my smaller items and larger compartments for papers, magazines and whatever else. It’s a black canvas style that won’t clash with any of my outfits. Perfect for my needs.

Here’s what I’ll carry in my new bag each day to work:
Blackberry
Cellphone
Digital Camera – I never go anywhere without it
Work papers
CD’s – files or programs or movies
Memory Stick – with up-to-date resume
Loose Change
Wallet
Lipstick – don’t ask
My notes for the latest “For Dummies” book I’m writing
Hai Karate aftershave – just in case
iPod

Final Report

I intercepted this note from Ralf, our former intern from Germany. Apparently he is required to write a report about his experience with us.

Dieter,
I hope this letter finds you well. My internship is finally over and it is not a moment too soon. I had a difficult time adjusting to the office at first but I gradually got into the routine. I was involved with fascinating projects and I worked with a lot of cool cars. But my experience had some downfalls. I sat in an area with five other people that were a constant nuisance. If they are a representation of the American workforce, the U.S. is in deep trouble.

Using idiotic nicknames given to each other for reasons I never understood, here is a list of these people:

Dragon Lady: my immediate supervisor, talked on the phone all day long. But I never figured out who she was talking to.
Spider: the department’s finance guy. He never had lunch money and didn’t know the word “yes.” Every budget request was met with a stern “NO!” I learned not to bother him when he was reading The Journal.
T-Bone: another student working in our area. I observed him working hard all day the entire time I was there and I admired his dedication. It wasn’t until the end of my rotation that I realized he was burning DVD movies, downloading tv shows and playing games the entire time I sat next to him.
Bosco: he holds himself in high regard but I couldn’t see the value of his work. He would also talk on the phone frequently and usually the conversations involved him working on some project with his cottage or house.
Cruiser: our IT guy; the smartest and best-looking person in our little group. He was overwhelmed with work but mostly with people’s home computers. When he wasn’t repairing some executive’s daughter’s laptop, he was busy surfing the internet or updating his extremely entertaining weblog. I suspect T-Bone learned a great deal from him as they are both masters at looking busy.

My recommendation for improvement to this department would be to separate these five people. They work very well as a team in coming up with new and creative ways of avoiding work. I applaud their expertise of creating the illusion of being the most respected and dedicated employees in the entire organization. But nothing ever got done.

I look forward to seeing you in Dusseldorf next week,

Regards, Ralf.

Divine Divination

Bibliomancy is a form of divination where one seeks to know the future by randomly selecting a passage from a book. The procedure is to pick any book, lay this book on its spine and allow it to fall open to a random page. Then with your eyes closed you pick a passage with your finger. This random passage will give you divine guidance.

I thought I would try this out. The book I found was “Winning” by Jack Welch loaned to me by a co-worker. I chose the second paragraph on page 133:

What you’ve heard about resistance to change is also true. People hate it when their bosses announce a “transformation initiative.” They run back to their cubicles and frantically start e-mailing one another with reasons it’s going to ruin everything.

The passage I selected is very appropriate with regard to the departmental changes going on around here lately. I’m not sure if the words will give me guidance about the future but it was fun nonetheless.